So lately I have been having these dream's that don't make much sense to me. In the dream's just my health conditions are bad, in which in several of the dream's I was told I had cancer. Yeah crazy huh? I been waking up hearing voices, not just any voice, my parents voice. The last three days I swear I hear my mothers voice saying son wake up... And I wake up chocked up because I am sitting there thinking there is no way I could have heard that... Its clear as day to me, so clear to me that its just crazy. I thought I heard my fathers voice as well not to sure what he is saying but it wakes me up, as tho he was wanting me to do something.
Every day I believe my friends always wonder what goes through my crazy mind. And really, I recap on the life I had, how I treated others with respect. Attempted to help them in all ways I could, I would give them all of my money if they needed it. But things are just turned around to be where I am shit on, spit on, cut on, treated like a outcast. Even those I helped do it, my kindness has brought me smiles then later pain.
I honestly can't say how I feel anymore, I think slowly I am losing myself... I feel I lost my real purpose because PEOPLE want me to live their way of life. And with me trying to follow my father, to where I have elders that respect me which are few. But others look at me like im a outcast that doesn't belong... I could say the same about them as well but I guess its not my place to judge.
I guess I just got to get back into my reality... I need to sit down with an elder and talk about this... Sunday, maybe I hope I will go see one.
September 30, 2010
September 01, 2010
Yeah yeah yeah...
So in this constant reality I live called living and grinding, I come to realize that where I am now people are either using me or just stepping on my toes to benefit themselves. Well some people sit there and think about this and are like who cares right? I care, I come from a family of pride no matter if they lost their pride or not. I am just fed up with the shit, here and then, so much so I wish I the creator would take me home now.
I am the guy that stands there waiting for help because I don't get any... It's true, this man I live with wants me to call him DAD but you know who the fuck calls someone dad when he never really acted like a dad... Yeah a good provider for the youth of my years, but I needed a parent not someone who wanted to by my respect. So in which I have none for him, I stay with him because if I don't he has heart problems so he would just want to end it in my opinion. How do I know? His more morbid then I am in life...
Thus in today's term I wish my mother and father were still alive, because i would do anything to go home and stay with them. I am willing work but I hit a road block in my life which now without any help I will just end up being homeless because they treat me like a Mexican in this fucking forsaken state called Georgia. Trails and Tribulations they say... I say fuck that, stop treating us this way, you are even more worthless then your ancestors. People say they don't treat us like they use to... YEAH ok we are just ignored for 300 years about our health and our what they really gave us.
I slowly am seeing in this time I feel sometimes I would just find a cliff and jump off, I seriously feel that would be better for me then living in this fucked up life I am in. 24 years old and I buried my parents before I had children of my own. Nothing is treated fairly towards me in this life. I am the red boy that people think they can poke fun of, I might start walking tonight to home... If someone stops and kills me I invite it, because anything is better then this place.
I love my close friends, very much so I took them as my family. Since my own family couldn't be there for me at all and when they are there they stick their noses in my life like they know me. When its their fault I act the way I do because they just let me go somewhere that wasn't the best judgement of anyones life. I just miss my mom and father, my fathers advice and my mothers love. No one can really know how it feels because you aren't walking the 10,000 miles in my shoes.
I feel no there is no hope, I haven't been shown any signs of that I should. I do everything every day pray, beat my drum, burn sage, the whole nine yards. And I just sit here praying for what? The constant threat of someone taking advantage of my kindness and just rube the shit in my face. Why is this world so wicked? Why are people so fucked up?
I wish I lived in a world people didn't judge, to no man can judge but the creator. Live you life in the right but for some reason the human race falls short of real, which falls right into fake. Yeah I said it, 99% of you people are fake as fuck. Who am I to say that? I AM ANISHANBIE and I AM MY FATHERS SON. I don't like stealing, I don't like hurting, I don't like killing, I don't like feeling sad. BUT their are people out there that love the shit out of. Even those people that try to use their down spot to get people to feel bad for them.
Guess what? I humble people in my life, even tho my life sucks so bad I wish I had a gun I still put on a fake ass smile and try to give them hope. Why? Because I care to much to let someone feel like that. There has to be one person in this life to do that, they said one man can change a community, a community can change a state, and a state can change a nation, and a nation can change the world. Yeah lies, I help out they get happy and I am thrown away like a joke.
I am personally tired of the stupid fucking crap, I am tired of peoples white lies, I am tired of people in general. I hate that I am treated with such low regards, even in the house I live in, in which you are supposed to feel the safest... I don't I sleep so light anything moves I wake up, I have a bat ready at the side of my bed that no one can see waiting for the day someone tries to come storming in my room. THATS NOT A HOME! THATS A LOST CAUSE!
I play these games where you build your own kingdom and you just help the people out in them. And I wish there was a place like my own lol. Yeah I laughed at that because I treat everyone even in games nicely. Peace not war is my view, but fuck it, WAR not peace with this fucking country and their crap they forced on my people. People say if it never happened I wouldn't have been born, guess what I would gladly accept that. Yeah truly from the bottom of my heart where there is some warmness left I would love to take that to keep a people a nation of people alive.
This is all I got to say right now because I am just ranting and rating... I doubt anyone will read this anyways, so I just write this because this is whats on my mind every day. I sit here trying to pick myself up and when I think I do I just get kicked in the ball and left to get up again. No hope there... No hope whats so ever in this reality till the day I die and go on to the hunting grounds to see my parents again. Then I will feel at home, then I will be happy, because there no one can hurt me.
I am the guy that stands there waiting for help because I don't get any... It's true, this man I live with wants me to call him DAD but you know who the fuck calls someone dad when he never really acted like a dad... Yeah a good provider for the youth of my years, but I needed a parent not someone who wanted to by my respect. So in which I have none for him, I stay with him because if I don't he has heart problems so he would just want to end it in my opinion. How do I know? His more morbid then I am in life...
Thus in today's term I wish my mother and father were still alive, because i would do anything to go home and stay with them. I am willing work but I hit a road block in my life which now without any help I will just end up being homeless because they treat me like a Mexican in this fucking forsaken state called Georgia. Trails and Tribulations they say... I say fuck that, stop treating us this way, you are even more worthless then your ancestors. People say they don't treat us like they use to... YEAH ok we are just ignored for 300 years about our health and our what they really gave us.
I slowly am seeing in this time I feel sometimes I would just find a cliff and jump off, I seriously feel that would be better for me then living in this fucked up life I am in. 24 years old and I buried my parents before I had children of my own. Nothing is treated fairly towards me in this life. I am the red boy that people think they can poke fun of, I might start walking tonight to home... If someone stops and kills me I invite it, because anything is better then this place.
I love my close friends, very much so I took them as my family. Since my own family couldn't be there for me at all and when they are there they stick their noses in my life like they know me. When its their fault I act the way I do because they just let me go somewhere that wasn't the best judgement of anyones life. I just miss my mom and father, my fathers advice and my mothers love. No one can really know how it feels because you aren't walking the 10,000 miles in my shoes.
I feel no there is no hope, I haven't been shown any signs of that I should. I do everything every day pray, beat my drum, burn sage, the whole nine yards. And I just sit here praying for what? The constant threat of someone taking advantage of my kindness and just rube the shit in my face. Why is this world so wicked? Why are people so fucked up?
I wish I lived in a world people didn't judge, to no man can judge but the creator. Live you life in the right but for some reason the human race falls short of real, which falls right into fake. Yeah I said it, 99% of you people are fake as fuck. Who am I to say that? I AM ANISHANBIE and I AM MY FATHERS SON. I don't like stealing, I don't like hurting, I don't like killing, I don't like feeling sad. BUT their are people out there that love the shit out of. Even those people that try to use their down spot to get people to feel bad for them.
Guess what? I humble people in my life, even tho my life sucks so bad I wish I had a gun I still put on a fake ass smile and try to give them hope. Why? Because I care to much to let someone feel like that. There has to be one person in this life to do that, they said one man can change a community, a community can change a state, and a state can change a nation, and a nation can change the world. Yeah lies, I help out they get happy and I am thrown away like a joke.
I am personally tired of the stupid fucking crap, I am tired of peoples white lies, I am tired of people in general. I hate that I am treated with such low regards, even in the house I live in, in which you are supposed to feel the safest... I don't I sleep so light anything moves I wake up, I have a bat ready at the side of my bed that no one can see waiting for the day someone tries to come storming in my room. THATS NOT A HOME! THATS A LOST CAUSE!
I play these games where you build your own kingdom and you just help the people out in them. And I wish there was a place like my own lol. Yeah I laughed at that because I treat everyone even in games nicely. Peace not war is my view, but fuck it, WAR not peace with this fucking country and their crap they forced on my people. People say if it never happened I wouldn't have been born, guess what I would gladly accept that. Yeah truly from the bottom of my heart where there is some warmness left I would love to take that to keep a people a nation of people alive.
This is all I got to say right now because I am just ranting and rating... I doubt anyone will read this anyways, so I just write this because this is whats on my mind every day. I sit here trying to pick myself up and when I think I do I just get kicked in the ball and left to get up again. No hope there... No hope whats so ever in this reality till the day I die and go on to the hunting grounds to see my parents again. Then I will feel at home, then I will be happy, because there no one can hurt me.
May 26, 2010
A New Start
Jesus I read all of these old comments and really it seems I forgot to run back and re-read them and do spell check or word change to fit the correct area. Yet, I have come to a conclusion of restarting my own blogspot. I will write on topic's people are afraid to touch and write on thing's that others will try to cut you down for. I am not a big writer but I need to start getting back into it because one day I will try to do more then write. One day I hope to make a change, in which the change of my reservation.
So I will attempt to do something's that no man has down as of yet. Yet I can't say what those are because I would be kinda lying then since I really haven't thought of them. So I guess I will learn a few things and take the knowledge and let it grow and become something.
So I guess you will see me more active then before. Its been 2 years since I been on here besides my other blogspot in which is about a game I play so don't pay to much attention of that unless you want to look lol. But that's it for now because I am about to go do some appointments. So check back soon I will have thing's and topics up that I hope people debate about.
So I will attempt to do something's that no man has down as of yet. Yet I can't say what those are because I would be kinda lying then since I really haven't thought of them. So I guess I will learn a few things and take the knowledge and let it grow and become something.
So I guess you will see me more active then before. Its been 2 years since I been on here besides my other blogspot in which is about a game I play so don't pay to much attention of that unless you want to look lol. But that's it for now because I am about to go do some appointments. So check back soon I will have thing's and topics up that I hope people debate about.
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